The Story of My Life in 50 statements

It started out with me feeling guilty and discouraged today!

1. When I was a teenager, I lived in Southern California and was fortunate enough to be able to go to the beach and walk the Ventura pier nearly every day.
2. Growing up in an abusive household, the beach and ocean became my refuge.
3. One miracle in my life was when I was 19. I was having a real down moment, I walked to the end my pier and let the wind blow through my hair. I just stood and stared at the ocean. Suddenly, the sadness went away and I was joyful and full of hope and zest for life. I walked back to the shore and saw this guy sitting on a bench and he looked so sad and depressed … the look on his face showed me how I had looked just moments before. I knew I was going to be OK and the Power of the Universe would always be there for me. It was an powerful and awesome moment in my life.
4. After moving to Denver, Colorado … I met Chris, my partner, through a child abuse support group I ran…she’s still a blessing in my life—21 years later.
5. Chris showed me the mountains of Colorado.
6. We collected our change and bought our first tent.
7. We’d camp every weekend at 10,000 ft in the mountain of Colorado at a campground called Twin Peaks. Awesome beauty.
8. Over the years, the little tent grew to better tents, and finally into a pop-up trailer with a pull out.
9. We took a trip about 6 years ago to Oregon. We both fell in love with Oregon and the Pacific Northwest.
10. Why Oregon …. it immediately felt like home to us. The rain, gorgeous trees, ferns, flowers, rainforests, oceans, clouds, and did I mention the RAIN. Wonderful rain.
11. Two years later, Chris was able to transfer to Portland, Oregon. We’ve been here almost four years and still loving it.
12. Today I feel guilty today because I got sick extremely sick 8 years ago.
13. I was in a coma for 40 days and the hospital for 5 months. I had multiple organ failure and a whole bunch of other stuff.
14. I had 12 doctors and 3 nurses were assigned to me around the clock while in ICU.
15. I was a medical mystery and a miracle. Even doctors called me a miracle. No one knew why I got sick and could never figure out why I got healthy.
16. While I was in the hospital, the company both Chris and I worked for went bankrupt. So we were out of money and insurance.
17. The hospital kicked me out (lack of insurance) before I could sit up in bed. Chris was my 24-hour nurse for a long time.
18. We were out of money, I needed a lot of medical supplies and both Chris and I were trying to figure out how to get the supplies. In the mail a friend of ours sent us a “care package” full of medical supplies, games, treats for our cats and dogs. That care package must have cost close to $500. Another miracle had happened. The date was September 11, 2001. A totally unforgettable day for so many reasons.
19. We lost our new house and 35-acre ranch.
20. We filed for bankruptcy.
21. My Ford Ranger was reposed (I couldn’t drive it anyway).
22. When we moved out of our ranch house, we sold all of our furniture and pop-up trailer with the exception of our bed and a couple chairs. We moved back to Denver. We lived off that money until I was able to take care of myself and Chris could go back to work.
23. Here we are 8 years later, banks won’t talk to us.
24. We own our house (manufactured home in a trailer park). It’s a perfect little house.
25. We own our Explorer.
26. We live a simple and minimal life.
27. A fun life.
28. We have two adorable pugs, MacKenzie and Shadow. Both fawn pugs. Both rescued pugs. Very different personalities and they bring such joy to our lives.
29. We have two cuddly cats. Charlie, we got about 7 years ago. We adopted him. He was in a cage waiting to be adopted for about 6 months. He is still afraid to jump if he thinks about it. Although when he is chasing Freddie or the pugs, he is a wonderful jumper.
30. Freddie is our other cat. We got him before I got sick. We bought him as a baby. And when we adopted Charlie, they were instantly brothers.
31. We go to the beach a lot now. Walk on the sand and in the ocean.
32. We love the rain and cool weather.
33. There is always my photography. Earlier this year I got a grown up Nikon D80 and am having a ball. It’s my first DSLR camera. I’ve had plenty of cameras (film and digital) in the past. But now I’m real serious and having so much fun.
34. My job that I had since moving to Oregon, changed drastically at the end of last year. The change was not good for me.
35. I started to get real tired and extremely crabby. So I quit my job and we are now a one income family.
36. We are trying to start a kid, pet and flower photography business.
37. We have our first client this weekend. Our next door neighbor just got a new puppy a couple of weeks ago.
38. A couple of years ago I found a new naturopathic doctor.
39. It took me two years to start talking to her about how I really feel. I told her something that happened to me when I was in my 20’s. Short version of the story is: one day I could walk up and downstairs with no problem, I could stand up from the couch with no problem. The next day I couldn’t get up off the couch. I couldn’t walk stairs anymore. My doctor stopped me mid sentence and said I think you may have Lyme Disease. She knew I lived in Colorado where there are ticks.
40. It is confirmed now that I have Lyme Disease and that caused my mysterious illness 8 years ago.
41. I believe the tired and crabby I had when I quit my job, I was starting to get real sick again. Once I quit my job, I literally slept 14 hours a day until I started taking my Lyme Disease meds. Now I’m down to 8 or 9 hours of sleep.
42. To be honest, I actually got sick when I was about 23 years old I’m now 48.
43. When I first got sick I gained a lot of weight and lost energy.
44. Slowly I lost or gave up on all my friends. I just didn’t have the energy.
45. I was also in the hospital again in late 2005. I didn’t have the coma I did in 2001, but it was more severe. And I’m still recovering from that, four years later.
46. The good news is I will live!!! Not have to be hospitalized for this again.
47. My life after 25 years has been returned to me.
48. I’m finding joy and delight in life!!
49. There is so much beauty in this world.
50. Still wanting to know what I want to be when I grow up!!!

Just think, I woke up feeling guilty today. I was sick and a lot of stuff happened that wasn’t my fault!!! The joy I feel today and the blessings I feel today, that is my creation. And that is what life is all about. The joy!!!

Collage

One thing I've done over the years when I was feeling funky was art work or collages. They have evolved from simple little drawings to collages from pictures I found in magazines and now to using my own photographs in Illustrator. I've been in a funk the past week or so and decided to try and work myself out of it. And this is the the collage I did today. Now I'm feeling better. I must be feeling alone and sad. Some of it is because I'm home and it's been real hot here and our house gets to be over 90 degrees. Some of it is because I'm still sore and stiff from the Outrageous jetboat ride (see log below). Some of it is just because.... Everything kind of ties into it.

Now since I'm feeling better, I'm going go watch some of my DVDs of Donna Eden to help align my physical energy and then watch or listen to some of my Abraham DVDs.

NOTE: To see more of my photography, please see my Redbubble site. Thanks

Jetboats and PTSD

I have a little story to tell.

Last week I went on a jetboat ride. Yes, I could get on the boat this time. I'd been on jetboats before and the way they have passengers get on them, I was able board easily. I was really looking forward to the trip. It was an all day trip. Three hours from Portland to Astoria and then back to Portland with a 3 hour layover in Astoria for lunch and shopping.

If you don't know anything about jetboats, they are fast. The hold about 35 people and can do a 360 (spin all the way around) going at full speed. I'd taken rides on the Willamette River (in Portland) and had a lot of fun on these boats. Anyhow, so the long trip seemed like it would be a blast. Right .... wrong.

The first hour of the trip was wonderful. There were only 8 women aboard and we cruised up through Portland on the Willamette with great narration and sightseeing. The day was 90 degrees and sunny. Gorgeous for photography, calm waters, absolutely picture perfect, until we merged into the Columbia River. The water became turbulent and the waves were high. Our little jetboat was knocked around. We would literally fall 4 to 6 feet between waves. Plop, plop, plop was the sound of all our bodies being airborne and then dropping back into our seats. The next hour and half was a nightmare. All of us thought about renting a car for the return trip. Anyhow, we all made it back to Portland on the jetboat, bruised and sore. (NOTE: The Captain said it was the roughest he had ever seen the water on the Columbia River.)

For the next 5 days, I was home hurting and sleeping. My back is still sore in places. I think I actually healed up fairly well. But what got to me was my PTSD. For the past couple of months, I've been improving (health wise). Most of the achiness had gone away and walking was getting to feel normal and comfortable. That was not the case after the trip. When I got that stiff and sore again, all I could think of was I'm getting sick again and going backwards. I knew I wasn't, but .... my feelings and emotions were telling me another story. All I could think about was how much I was back to hurting and not being able to get up off the couch without help. My heart sank deeper and deeper.

I kept telling Chris that this is how I "used to always feel". I really was that sore all time, and I didn't need a bad jetboat trip to make me that sore and achy. This plunged me into an nearly depressed state. Now that I'm starting to move freely again, my optimism has returned and I'm looking forward to living again.

Journey to a Contented Life

Please check out my partner's blog, Journey to a Contented Life. She is writing some wonderful vignettes on what she went through while I was so sick. Please note, she is the writer in the family and will truly inspire and amaze you.

How do I feel?

How do you feel? Is the most common question I get from my Doctor these days. I find it hard to describe how I really feel. I've had 25 years of not feeling well and disassociating from how I feel. Now to try and explain how I'm feeling and what the differences are ... that's not so easy. All I know is that I'm feeling better and better all the time. Yes, I still get tired. No, I still can't move the way I'd like to. One thing from having been sick and my legs have really taken a beating...and I have Edema in my right leg...so yes that still swells a times.

I'm finding it hard to describe how I feel, let alone explain, do I feel better taking this medicine or did I feel better not taking it. Talking about how I feel and actually acknowledging how I feel is a totally new experience for me. I've learned to ignore how I feel, because I never felt well.

Talking to Chris last night and I was telling her that it is hard for me to dream about the future, because I've had so long of not dreaming because when I did I only had pain and frustration of not being able to move. She was so gentle and just told me...it's OK. I'm still not used to having a future that looks good and bright and healthy. My future just might just be looking up.

Victories and Defeat

This past weekend was full of victories and defeats. Chris and I planned a day at the beach and a boat excursion for whale watching. We both love to be on the water and what better place than the Pacific Ocean. We booked a two hour trip. I could not go. I couldn't get on the boat. It was just a little tour boat and I had to really step up and over the side (which I was unable to do). So with plenty of tears of defeat, the boat sailed with us.

For the past 25 years I've not been able to bend my knees much. And I one of my meds is making me swell more than usual. So for me to bend my leg enough to get on the boat was impossible. I think 25 years of frustration came out and I just cried for awhile on the beach. The day was not a total loss. We were driving back to Lincoln City and I saw the biggest display of kites. It was fun. Chris and I just watched the kites and beach for quite awhile. I of course took plenty of photographs.

In fact we were so inspired we decided to drive back to the beach the next day. We live about 2 hours away. The victory part of the weekend is ... I've not had that kind of energy in years. I was actually able to drive to the beach and back and enjoy my time at the beach. Got plenty of photographs, spend some wonderful time with Chris and still have energy left when I got home.

The Long Walk

This is a vignette that my Partner wrote about how she felt the first time I was hospitalized. You can view it on her Redbubble site. She will be adding a lot more vinette's to her site so you may want to book mark it.

Here is The Long Walk

The elevator hisses shut behind me. Ahead of me lays the terrifying walk to those doors with the ominous sign: Restricted Area. Behind those doors lie the mostly dead, the partially alive, and their loved ones who keep silent, tearful vigil. The Intensive Care Unit.

I am one of those keeping vigil.

Each step comes in slow motion. I hate this walk and the questions it brings. Will she still be there, clinging to life, tied to so many machines and tubes? Or will I round the corner to see her door open, room empty, her body in the morgue waiting for me to dispose of it? Will she have slipped away, alone, desperate, unaccompanied into that dark mystery of death we all fear so much? What if she gave up and left while I had gone home for a troubled sleep and a change of clothes? What if, during my long drive back to the hospital, they tried to call
me, to tell me to hurry, that there wasn’t anything more they could do and it was time to say goodbye, but they couldn’t reach me and she died alone? Would she know that I didn’t want it that way? That I wanted one more chance to tell her that I loved her and that my life would end when she left? That I tried the very best I could to keep her alive?

My footsteps echo in the deserted hallway. Left turn, five steps, right turn, thirty steps. Just one more left turn and I would have my answer. My head is screaming inside. I can’t breathe.

No, no, turn back the clock. This can’t be real. This isn’t happening to us.

Please let her be alive. Give us one more day together. Just one more day.
Please?

Left turn. For today, the answer is….